The L Word Season 5 Episode 9: The Coach’s Perspective

I don’t know if it is just me but I find the emotion heating up more and more as the season progresses. More passion (in the bedroom and elsewhere) and more twists that just leave me with the knowing that it just ain’t going to be pretty if/when Bette finally comes clean with Jodi. Jodi is a powerful and emotional woman and Marlee Matlin is one of the few actresses around that can match the passion needed to play this character.

Before I jump into the meat of my comments, I just have to say who doesn’t want a little of what Bette displayed as she negotiated the lunatics from She Bar into a somewhat reasonable compromise? Her inner power, savvy, and direct communication in a highly charged situation was just poetry in motion. I won’t even get into my coaches perspective on Denbo and company because I would send them directly to therapy. Their characters are just an exaggerated display of what a mess people can make of their lives and the lives of others when they are so uncomfortable with who they are on the inside that they create such a facade of power. All that money and perceived power is a big ole fat illusion and I feel sorry for them living lives so superficial they feel the need to wreck havoc on others. But hey if nothing else it was a great scene in which to watch Bette’s business savvy shine!

Life’s lessons can show up anytime, anywhere and in this episode they were most loud and clear in a sweltering and stuck elevator. As soon as I could get my mind out of Cagney and Lacey flashbacks where they were stuck in a hot elevator and bearing their souls, I was totally sucked into the level of honesty Tina and Bette managed to find quickly. They ventured into a conversation on values and this coach loves talking about values. Why is that?

Our values really hold the key to creating a life that we love. Values are those things that are core to who we are and can serve as a guidepost to living a life truly by our own design. They point to what matters most to us and they are unique to each individual. For instance, most people would agree that truth is a worthy value; yet only certain people have truth as a core value around which their whole life is oriented. When you can identify your top 3-4 core values and then orient your life around them, that is when you move from just living to living a life feeling fulfilled .

In the scene, Bette got the ball rolling when she said that she doesn’t believe Jodi and her share the same values. At the heart of a relationship that really works is a common set of shared values. Now, each partner may express those values differently and have very different styles and personalities but at the core is a foundation and shared belief system. When the foundation is strong, then the individuals within a relationship can thrive both individually and as a couple.

My favorite quote was when Bette said “For me, when I really search myself, it doesn’t feel like an affair. For me,’s feels like I’m coming home.” Now of course I love it for its obvious dramatic and romantic undertones, but there is more. While I am firm in my belief that no relationship can ever complete you — you are whole and complete as you are — in the right relationship there is a sense of coming home. That is what has always been at work with Bette and Tina even at their nastiest. What is different now is that Tina has emerged as a full individual with her own personal power and can stand up to Bette. And on the flip side, Bette has softened (at least a tiny bit) and is more willing to co-create a relationship rather than be the sole creator and alpha dog. That makes all the difference if you want to create a relationship of equals. Each partner has to do her own personal work so that when you arrive in that third space (the two as “couple”) you are on equal footing as two whole and complete adults.

It can be as simple as — align with your values and you create a great life; live misaligned (or even unaware of) with your values and you will always feel like something is just “off”. The good news is that values are evergreen and it doesn’t mean you have to have or do something specific with your life in order to be happy. Now that is some creative freedom!

As with the rest of the planet (no pun intended..get it…the planet and “The Planet” LOL), I will be waiting with baited breath to see how this unfolds in the next few weeks. In the meanwhile… ask yourself “Do I know what my core values are? Am I living my life aligned with them or am I floundering around feeling something is “off” or “missing”?” Would love to hear your thoughts in the comments and if you’d like to explore the values conversation further, contact me to set up a complimentary chat.

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